None of my friends or even my family is
aware of the problems I have with my memory.
In my peer group I am
the one who solves the issues that arise with differing opinions,
when others argue over facts they will come to me to see what I know
and I'm trusted and respected enough that my take on things is
usually not questioned.
When I watch quiz shows or trivia
contests I do quite well with the answers, my memory for facts and
educational matters seems unaffected but I have no memories of school
and often cannot explain how I know certain things , just that I can
remember some facts quite well.
I can name Nobel prize winners, I
remember authors and characters in books but cannot name the people I
went to school with nor the teachers those memories just are not
there.
Everybody I meet seems both familiar
and new to me at the same time and I don’t question anyone who
knows who I am but I rarely know (or remember ) who they are, I do
fake it pretty well though as I don’t get caught out my trick is
treat everyone like a long lost friend because sometimes they
actually are.
I have many little tricks I use I
always carry exercise books around and I write all sorts of things
down, this works as a memory aid for me. When I read over the older
books and what they contain I often find I have no memory of the
events they talk of but I do remember writing about them, that seems
to be how my memory works.
As I get older I have noticed the
problem getting worse and it scares me quite a bit, I opened an old
box of journals today, I say old but the dates are all from after
2005 and many of them are quite foreign to me they mention people
who's faces I cant recall names I cant place and events I know
happened because I wrote about them but still seem somehow fictional
because I have no personal attachment to the memories apart from the
writing, I know I wrote these things and they were true and happened
not that long ago but I cant recall them even after reading what I
wrote at the time.
When asked how long I may have worked
on a certain job I never know I can never answer with any certainty
when asked what year I did the big things in my life I have to guess.
I live in fear of waking one day and
loosing the last of the memories I do have, I don’t know when my
memory started to fail, I do know I have note books dating from the
early 90's and there is only one reason I have ever kept these
things, to help me remember.
I cant even recall now how long I have
lived in my current circumstances ( I think its been 4 years but may
be longer) I still have not found the book that talks about me moving
here, I don’t even know how old my cat is but I've had him as my
best friend his whole life I just don’t know if its 3 4 5 or 6
years
The last few weeks have been the
hardest, I am getting very confused a lot of the time now and keeping
my secret has become more and more difficult, I am hoping someone
somewhere will recognize what I'm talking about and be able to offer
some sort of support advice or help as I seem to be loosing the fight
to go on and spend most my time in books (I re-read novels all the
time but even ones I've read since I was a child I re-read and get
surprised at, this tells me even my memories of what I read are
affected now and soon the writing may be too.)
We are all the sum of our own
experiences but what then am I when I cant point to the experiences
that have shaped me?
I've stopped writing poetry, although
I enjoy doing it I'm worried I’ll write the same poem I have in the
past but not recognize it and post it somewhere only to have others
notice I repeated myself. When all I have is my art and I can no
longer trust its original I have nothing.
I will add all my poems to this blog site that will help me but i dont know if i'll add anything more, anything original I dont even know if tomorrow i'll remember owning this blog at all, (I think i may have another blog somewhere this seems familiar but being confused about that sort of thing is a common state for me so i cant be certain of it)
